There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
