Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
