Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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