Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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