If i come over, it means nothing
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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