I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
