i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
