Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
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Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
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and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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