im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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