At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
