haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
