Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
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we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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