8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
