I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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