My cat gives me a boner
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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