i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
