Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
