I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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