For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
