i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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