Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
