And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
