he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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