dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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