I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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