Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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