my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Michael Bay diarrhea
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
