I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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