good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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