I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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