the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
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