Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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