one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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