New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
