All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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