I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
