Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
