She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
