let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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