but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
