I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
