I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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