now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
