OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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