How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
