During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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