I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
