Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
