Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize