Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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