this beer tastes like vomit already
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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