Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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