I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
do nipples grow back?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
