Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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