I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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