I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
