My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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